As the youngest son of a pastor, I learned very early on that the people in my life had expectations of me. Not a terrible thing. Not a rare thing, but huge pressure to be what everyone else wanted. Making their expectations a priority would serve me well. As a little boy, it made me the darling of the church- I was liked, praised and even loved. Not a big surprise that I would become a pastor, just like my father. To be clear, many wonderful and profoundly loving people influenced my life (parents, family friends, church members, etc.). The problem of this pattern rears its head when what I need or want for my life doesn’t line up with the expectations of others.
For many, this dilemma is the core issue in adolescence, with the push and pull of teens figuring out who they are, seeking autonomy, hammering out their own identity by moving away from parental expectations and authority. But I suspect that some, like me, become so accustom to the peace of playing to the watchful eyes of others, that the idea of moving in one’s own direction creates anxiety and fear of abandonment. So, over time the pattern learned at such an early age becomes codified, set in subconscious stone, a way of life that seems completely natural - pursuing a legacy professional path in line with generational expectations, attending the “right” university, marrying the “right” person. People caught in this web of self-denial tend to be very successful, well liked, and ultimately empty and exhausted. What some call a crisis of mid-life, could well be understood as finally hitting the wall hard enough to break free of this paralyzing pattern. The longer it takes, the more difficult and painful it is.
The late Joseph Campbell, in his classic, The Hero With A Thousand Faces, describes what he calls the Hero’s Journey. In the first step toward the authentic life, one must “leave home,” breaking away from the mundane moving toward the adventure of self-discovery. The words “breaking away” are intentional. Typically, the influencers don’t embrace the idea of the child (even “man-child) leaving the cozy nest of parental expectations. Parental expectations may be just that, but also take the form of pressure from friends, bosses, and others who fight to maintain homeostasis, the comfort of things as they are (no matter how unhealthy). But, the child must “leave home” to find and define his or her own truth, identity and personhood. Only then can the hero return, changed (self-actualized).
In Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act I, Polonius delivers a monologue which includes the now famous quote, “To thine own self be true.” As the genie, (voiced by Robin Williams) says to Aladdin, “BEEEEE Yourself.” But what if being myself leads to disappointing others whose disapproval and rejection I fear? That’s the crux. Being or becoming an authentic self always requires courage and always involves risk of rejection. That’s the work of it.
Kudos to those families and systems who embrace vulnerability enough to make room for this process.
In the Gospel of John, Jesus tells the crowd, “The truth will set you free.” I believe that. But whose truth? The truth of others? The truth of some authority? The truth of peers? The truth of the church? I have come to believe the truth that sets us free comes from our own courageous journey, one in which we choose for ourselves what values and expectations we live by. And, to our surprise, we learn this new truth (our truth) has it roots deep in soils of our beginnings.
At the hero’s homecoming, while changed, one finds a familiarity and one-ness never before possible were it not for the difficult and exhilarating journey.
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